The Onion

In 1998 I successfully pitched The Onion to join its roster of contributing writers, selling them headlines. This was when it was still based in Madison. Paul Johnson and I most definitely collaborated on several. Over a three-year span I submitted many ideas, some of which the publication bought (and even ran). Here’s a sampling of some of my personal faves:

Ideas submitted 1998-2001

Sophomore changes font, lengthens paper

Area man constantly mentioning he doesn’t own a television

College of Cardinals remains winless

“Million Nonconformists March” ends in chaos

Stag smoker described as top-notch

Sitcom star spontaneously attends televised sporting event

Knights of Columbus, Freemasons massing on Rotarian border     

Church and state in merger talks

German auto engineer issued lab coat

Authorized personnel enjoy untold pleasures beyond designated point  

Baby shower attendees quickly drain box of white Zinfandel

Greenspan, entourage demolish hotel room

Half-naked Kissinger thrown out of US News & World Reports mansion   

Bounty approves third ply

Selling equals winning, ex-athlete tells direct mail merchandisers

Dying mastermind pulls red handle

NPR Morning Zoo tickles Beltway funny bones

Casual dress eases crushing humiliation of corporate life

Just six corporations remain

Light sweet crude oil now fat free

Lenin sits up, asks for beverage

Rappers Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer co-sign apartment lease

Awareness of celebrity opinions vital to nation’s well-being

Mobile phone user shares latenight plans with movie audience

Hip-hop novelist samples Hemingway, Dickens

Entire neighborhood air conditioned by son of block captain

Steroid-enhanced freak worshipped for hand-eye coordination

Idealist converts to materialism

Unorthodox area cop loves paperwork

Archaeologist sick and tired of finding pottery

Inspector number seven retires from garment industry

Histamine fanatic gunned down by antihistamine crusader

Easter Island statues actually lovable characters from ancient theme park

Blogger dismisses blog trend as self-indulgent in blog post

Mentor also tormentor

Puppy expected to compensate for owner’s shortcomings

Mass marketing campaign urges millions to think for themselves

Regional sales leader resonates with power

Nine hours in a stalled elevator with Lou Holtz

Amish, Mennonites to settle differences in pay-per-view ultimate barn-raising

Kenyan grandmother dominates walkathon