New City

When I began freelancing, my objective was “smart irreverent writing about media and pop culture,” for which Paul Johnson proved to be an excellent, unofficial writing partner. Next up in the Pableaux Posts (all this month, in his honor) — a satire I wrote with Paul’s keen sounding-board ear and encouragement. This one skewers the world of expert criticism:

Be a book reviewer! Operators are standing by

Have you ever read a book review and thought, “Gee, I wish I could do that”?  Well, now you can! The burgeoning field of Licensed Book Reviewing is waiting for you. 

Call Book Review Licensors today (1-800-CRITICS), and before you know it, you’ll be officially certified to read and review major releases by well-known authors, in the privacy of your own home. It’s fun, safe and lucrative!

And that’s just the beginning. As a Licensed Book Reviewer, you’ll also:

— Earn hundreds. Scores of major publications will pay you up to one dollar per sentence for your opinion. Call today – get cash tomorrow!

— Get free books. Did you know that major publishing houses in New York send certified Book Reviewers free sample copies of actual books? Some even provide a pre-written book review, for your convenience. Think of it – you’ll save time critiquing and never have to buy another book. But you must act now!

— Use big words. Be honest, when was the last time you had a chance to use words like “elegiac” or “angst”? As a Licensed Book Reviewer, you’ll learn how to use these and other important words. Hurry! Operators are standing by.

— Make new friends. Everybody loves “talkin’ books”, especially at parties. Attend your next party after becoming a certified Book Reviewer and you’ll be the center of attention, guaranteed. Impress girls!  Call for details.

— Evaluate other writers. Every day, upwards of one hundred writers worldwide spend long hours in front of word processors striving to produce the books we buy in stores. As a Licensed Book Reviewer, you’ll evaluate the results of their work. Some of these books even become best-sellers!

But if you want the power to shape reader opinion with only a few short sentences, you’ve got to pick up that telephone and order now!

A Book Review License is yours for just four low payments of $29.95. Your investment includes our exclusive Book Review Licensors software program, ReviewWriter 2.1 (PC or Macintosh).  And if you call today, you’ll also receive absolutely free the BRL Book Review Tabulator™ (a $79.95 value), our handy 100-point numerical book review system.  It’s a fast, easy and convenient way to evaluate the written word.  Here’s a sneak preview:

Book contains:                                                                          Score:

— a suicide                                                                                 +20 (+5 for each additional instance)

— Descriptions of sexual encounter(s)                               +15

— 250 pages or fewer                                                            +10

— Historical figures used as walk-on characters              +10

— Colorful cover art                                                              + 9

— Characters who talk in dialect                                        + 7

— Ending in which it turns out to be just a nightmare  + 5

— Talking socialistic pigs                                                       + 4

— Novelization of a major motion picture                      + 3.5

— Use of symbolism (e.g., angry birds or a big flood)   +  2  (per mention)

— Pictures or illustrations                                                  +  0.5 (per image)

— Idiosyncratic use of punctuation                                  +  0.05 (per instance)

— Preponderance of multisyllabic words                           (-15)

— Iambic pentameter                                                            (-10)

— Allusions to classic mythology                                         (- 5)

But do I really need certification, you ask?  Just listen to these Licensed Book Reviewers:

“Before I had my license, I lacked confidence.  But now I’m legit.  Thanks, BRL!”

— Kenny P., Newark, New Jersey

“I got certified in six weeks and now instead of just writing poetry, I critique it!”

— Vonda B., Fort Smith, Arkansas

“Who needs bookstores?  Now I read for free.”

— Lee Harvey D., Batesville, Indiana

Why not call Book Review Licensors right now? You’ll be licensed to criticize by morning!

Call now, 1-800-CRITICS, that’s 1-800-CRITICS. Operators are standing by. 

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Book Review Licensors is not affiliated with any university.  All sales are final.  Void where prohibited by law.  Sorry, Tennessee!