1000 years of spin

The millennium’s greatest PR moments (1999)

1000 YEARS OF SPIN

The Millennium’s Greatest PR Moments

Year 1000 — World fails to end. Advisors to Norwegian King Olaf convince him to take full credit at press conference. However, the overcommitted monarch has time to answer only two questions before resuming blood feud with the Danes.

1065 — To ease peasant anxiety on the eve of the Battle of Hastings, William the Conqueror’s advance men execute England-wide public awareness campaign entitled “Say Oui to Normandy.”

1187, Rome — Incessant papal bull spawns Sunday-morning punditry.

1215 — An unknown consultant based in Runnymede persuades client to change title of government document from “Deregulation Guidelines” to “Magna Carta.” King John reluctantly admits the Latin touch is a real attention-grabber.

1289 — During a discussion about spices, Duke Othmar II of Sindelfingen, addressing his fellow crusaders upon their embarkation for the Holy Land, becomes the first person ever to utter the word “enhance.”

1350 — As plague ravages Europe, royal publicists quietly rebrand the Black Death, persuading scriveners to refer to it as “Genoese Merchants Syndrome,” or GMS.

1464 — A spokesperson for the Ottomans declares “Hands Across Mesopotamia” an unqualified success.

1492 — Having failed miserably at circumnavigating the globe, Columbus wins over a skeptical Court of Spain with his dazzling “Discover the New World!” press kit.

1517, Wittenberg — Martin Luther invents talking points.

1535 — Henry VIII declares himself head of the Church of England, divorces his wife and beheads his best friend. Poll numbers skyrocket.

1595, Roanoke — Sir Walter Raleigh introduces tobacco to the colonies.

1596, Roanoke — Lobbying industry born.

1621 — With his crisp, accurate passing at the first Thanksgiving, sure-footed Puritan Governor William Bradford unwittingly pairs two future PR blockbusters: All-you-can-eat and Punt, Pass & Kick.

1773 — While working a double shift in Boston Harbor, struggling tea merchant and colonial agitator Eustice Lipton spontaneously invents the product placement.

1783, Paris — The Montgolfier Brothers launch the original trial balloon.

1836 — During the Texan War of Independence, classified focus groups select “Remember the Alamo!” over “Santa Anna Sucks” as an enduring patriotic catchphrase.

1898 — During the Spanish-American War, classified focus groups select “Remember the Maine!” as the catchphrase.

1917 — During the First World War, classified focus groups select “Remember Belgium!” Government declassifies focus groups.

1920 — Simultaneous births of the League of Nations and the concept of media synergy, as sales of Woodrow Wilson T-shirts, mugs and plush toys top $5 million.

1936 — The initial Olympic marketing partnership is forged between German Olympic Committee Chairman Joseph Goebbels and Hastenpfluger gmbh, the Reich’s leading manufacturer of plastic swastikas.

1939, Warsaw — Hitler invents the sequel.

1944, Fort Benning, Georgia — Birth of James Carville.

1960 — After his televised debate with Richard Nixon, John F. Kennedy reportedly puts the kibosh on press release: “Perfect Hair Trumps Five O’Clock Shadow.”

1982 — Birth of the Glace Fruit Council. “Fruitcake: Not Just for Christmas Anymore.”

1989 — Elaborate Soviet media prank gets way out of hand. Berlin Wall falls.