1998 humor, Aus Chron 

“70 More Cable Channels on Their Way,” blared the Statesman headline of May 20.

That leaves room for an awful lot of new, highly specific content in a cable-viewing world already rife with such vertical-interest programming choices as The Golf Channel, Home and Garden Television and C-SPAN2.

Just a few weeks ago, the National Cable TV Convention carried a report regarding The Puppy Channel. New channel operators are waiting in the wings to join the high-capacity digital cable of the future. The Puppy Channel is one of them: all puppies, all the time — a broadcast backers say will prove “relaxing” to watch.

In the spirit of this new venture, we present a few additional channels now in the works:

Fresh from a successful four-year run airing only during American mealtimes, the all-new Major Surgery Network goes live June 30. According to a press release, the new channel will offer around-the-clock footage of actual surgical procedures, some of them live. TV’s James Garner plays host to “Lean and Mean,” a special holiday look at angioplasty set for Thanksgiving night. Major sponsors reportedly include McDonald’s, American Heart Association and Tylenol.

Over on The Man Channel, there will be no talk, no music — in fact, no sound at all — just a revolutionary split screen featuring either live sports events or female nudity on the left side of the picture, and a continuously changing channel on the right half. Guys, crank up your stereo and kick back. No more surfing.

“We’re way jazzed about Dick,” said a Man Channel executive regarding “Dick!” — a new cross-promotional program and long-form advertisement produced in conjunction with Miller Lite and its irrepressible ad-campaign character.

Combine American Movie Classics with the annual Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon and voilà — you have JLN, The Jerry Lewis Network.

Hosted by a highly caffeinated Jerry Lewis himself and broadcasting 24/7, this spirited undertaking will re-air all of Lewis’ movies, telethons and interviews. Occasional co-hosts include Mel Tormé, Frank Sinatra Jr. and Joe Piscopo. With French subtitles.

Surveillance! The Security Channel is just the ticket if you want to keep up with the neighbors — whether they’re next door or in a hotel suite in downtown Manhattan.

All you have to do to monitor the activities of millions of private citizens in apartment lobbies, dressing rooms and expressways is switch to the new 24-hour random-access surveillance-camera network.

October is ATM Month.

Book lovers, set your VCRs as The Dictionary Channel’s camera slowly pans over an entire *Random House Unabridged Dictionary* (2d ed.) from A to Z over the course of a year. While you learn, listen in as the reference tome’s usage panel debates words as they appear on screen.

On The Bow Tie Channel, follow along as veteran wearer Bob Runciman shows you how to tie that tricky and elusive knot.

Sign up today!